Fetch the stick

Dobermans are excellent retrievers; Fudge will fetch and drop on command, more than any other dog that I have owned, she seems to realize that the sooner she gives me the stick the sooner I can throw it again.

It's been a bit quiet on the Doberman front recently, I think my puppy is slowly growing up. That said Fudge and I have invented a new game - Doberman Golf! I hit a golf ball down the garden and Fudge waits until I say 'go' and then she shoots off to retrieve it (repeat several times).

Wild Woman of the Woods

The other day I had a slightly strange experience, I was walking Fudge and Pudding in Rendlesham Forrest, when a large dog leaped out at use from a bush. After the inevitable barking and growling had died down, I tried to put the dog on a lead, thinking that it must be lost. As I was doing this, a disembodied voice came out of the bush and said, "It's okay he's with me". Where upon a woman crawled out of the same bush and started picking twigs and leaves out of her hair. I must have looked a bit puzzled, because she said "I saw you had a Doberman and thought it was best to hide". She then gave me a particularly withering stare and tottered off down the path taking her dog with her.

Was she really hiding from me because I have a Doberman? Or was she having a crafty pee? I don't think I'll ever know, but I can confirm that strange women jumping out of bushes at you, is not good for your nerves.

In Search of the Perfect Chair

"This one would be okay if it had a little more leg room. Doberman rating 6 out of 10"

"This one has the leg room and is nicely cushioned but where am I meant to put my head? Doberman rating 8 out of 10"

"This one is perfect, Doberman rating 10 out of 10. Now all I have to do is train my Human not to sit in it"

Captain Haddock

As news emerges that Hollywood is making a blockbuster film of 'The Adventures of Tintin', Fudge and I put our names in the ring for the parts of Captain Haddock and Snowy - Fudge might need a little bit of makeup, but I have it on good authority that I'm a dead ringer for the Captain!

Gateway

This isn't really a dog related post (apart from the picture of Pudding waiting to get on with her walk). This gate is at the entrance of a small nature reserve in Silverdale, it is dedicated to the memory of a dead musician, whose name I can never remember, but who I always say a silent hello to when I'm there. Silverdale is a magical place - even the name feels like something straight out of Tolkien - the hills are covered in hazel and Yew woods, and if you know where to look there are even some of the incredibly rare Lady's Slipper Orchids. Close by there's the RSPB nature reserve Leighton Moss, and here comes a very tenuous dog link, Leighton Moss with its extensive reed beds, is famous for its breeding population of Bitterns. For any non bird watchers, Bitterns are a secretive type of Heron, famed for their strange booming call. Now here comes the dog bit, in Arthur Conan Doyles 'Hound of the Baskervilles', the villain claims to Dr Watson that the distant baying of the hound, is really the booming of a Bittern - I warned you it was a tenuous link.

Just to prove what a boring son of a bachelor I am, I actually have another Bittern anecdote, sad isn't it? When I was about 15 I was crammed in a bird-hide in Leighton Moss with several other Birders, all of us hoping for a glimpse of an elusive Bittern, suddenly one of my companions leaped to his feet with a strangled cry of 'Bittern', unfortunately in his enthusiasm he dislodged the prop holding open the hide window above his head, the window swung closed with a sickening dull thud, half decapitating the poor old birder. To add insult to injury, the force of the blow knocked the chaps top set of false teeth and his £700 telescope straight out of the hide window. As long as I live I will never forget the sight of this poor man's telescope slowly sinking into 3 feet of glutinous mud while his teeth lay there smiling maniacally back at him.

And the overdraft keeps growing!

This little bronze cat reminded us so much of Sable that we had to buy it - every bugger else seems to be adding to the toxic debt, so we thought to hell with fiscal prudence.

How to wash a cat

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6.. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Thank you for taking the time to read this
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

Taunted by a squirrel

Fudge was totally scandalized by this bold squirrel, who didn't seem to care that he had come face to face with a champion squirrel chaser!

Reading Dobermans

I have a private theory as to why people who don't have much experience of Dobermans find them as intimidating as they do. Although this theory is based on my own observations, I hope it isn't purely a 'common sense' explanation.

The most obvious reason why people find Dobermans frightening, is founded on the stereotypical image of them as 'devil dogs', but on a subtler level I think that Doberman body language is different from that of other dogs. This isn't helped by the fact that most Dobermans that people encounter have had their tail and ears cosmetically altered; dogs use these appendages to communicate with both other dogs and people. I think it is telling that before actually owning a Doberman I found it easier to read the body language of a wolf than I did that of a Doberman. In Britain it is illegal to crop the ears of any dog, but tail docking is still prevalent. I am not going to comment on this beyond saying that although I plan to have more Dobermans in the future, I will never own another dock tailed dog as long as I live. Black's veterinary dictionary, on its entry on tail docking, highlights the fact that tail docked dogs often have problems communicating their intentions to other dogs, this often results in fights.

But surgery inflicted changes aside, Dobermans do not have particularly expressive faces. Now I'm sure that most Doberman owners would be up in arms at that statement, but think back to your experiences with your first Doberman. I've already mentioned on this Blog the fact that when we got Fudge, I felt that I was trying as hard to learn to speak Doberman as she was trying to learn human. If you compare a Dobermans features to that of a really expressive dog like a Collie, I think you'll get my point. A happy Doberman doesn't look all that different to a sad Doberman, unless you know the breed well and know to look for the almost imperceptible droop in the ears. It is this inscrutable nature of Dobermans that I think can unsettle people who don't have much experience of the breed. When you combined this with the Doberman habit of unblinkingly staring directly at strangers, behaviour that is extremely threatening in other dog breeds, you can understand why the uninitiated tend to be a bit nervous around them.

In the brilliant 'Man meets Dog', the ethologist Konrad Lorenz discusses the fact that bears are extremely dangerous animals to study and work with, mainly because they have very few muscles in their face, so that the people working with them have no facial clues as to whether a bear is becoming upset or aggressive. I would argue that the impassive face of a Doberman has a similar ursine quality, which only allows those that are really familiar with the breed to read their thoughts.

I think I may have a tree fetish!

There's got to be a joke about getting wood in here somewhere!

John Ditchfield Doberman

The latest addition to our modest but growing collection of John Ditchfield glass, which we bought directly from the Glasform studio. If you find yourself anywhere near Blackpool, then it is really worth making a small detour to visit the studio.

This beautiful girl is Zara, one of the studio's resident Dobermans. She patiently works alongside her mistress, greeting customers with an aloof tolerance, which is typical of Dobies when meeting strangers - friendly yet slightly reserved until they get to know you.

Holiday Pictures

"Did you remember to pack the dog food?"

Love 'em or loathe 'em

Two of my favourite dog quotes, one pro and one anti dog -

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, he will make a fool of himself too - Samuel Butler

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves - August Strindberg

Just one last quote -

If a dog jumps onto your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer - A.N. Whitehead

Searching the rock pools

Last summer we had a holiday in Robinhoods Bay, we searched the beach for fossils and the rock pools for Hermit Crabs. Pudding and Fudge didn't really understand what we were doing but entered into the spirit of things nonetheless.

Pudding is an excellent swimmer and seems to think that she is part seal, Fudge however is less elegant in the water, as soon as she can't touch the floor with her feet, she starts to flail around with her front legs as if she's auditioning for an extra in Jaws.

Lab-Collie Cross?

I've often wondered exactly who Pudding's antecedents were, there's definitely Labrador and Border Collie in there, but then there's a secret ingredient that I'm still trying to identify. Suggestions include Patterdale Terrier and Bearded Collie. I not sure I'll ever know for sure, but I don't care, she's a wonderful creature. Once when I was walking her a small child ran up to us excitedly shouting "It's Dumbledor dog, it's Dumbledor dog", and there's certainly something magical about her.

"Hang Spring Cleaning!"

I should be working, but the sun is out, the air is mild, the Doberman wants to play, and to quote Shakespeare - 'I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows, where oxslips and the nodding violet grows'. So I'm going to take the dogs there for a nice walk.

I think this is my favourite time of the year, the weather's mild and inviting, all the summer birds are returning (I saw my first Swift of the year yesterday and the House Martins are back and patching up last years nest). The heaths are covered in flowering gorse bushes, which fill the air with a perfume like sweet coconut, and high up in the air, you can hear the 'loo-loo' of ascending Woodlarks.

For once a serious post! The RSPCA is suggesting a change to the law governing dangerous dogs. Rather than breed specific legislation, the RSPCA is proposing a change to the law, so that dog owners rather than dogs are targeted. There are very few bad dogs, but there are a lot of bad owners. I would go one step further and suggest that in order to own certain more demanding breeds, that you should have to pass a handler competency test. Dogs are social animals, with serious attacks on their own 'pack' being rare; if you think about it, the evolutionary benefits of pack behaviour are based on group rather than individual survival. Dogs normally only show true aggression to those that they perceive as being members of an out group, or those that they perceive to be hierarchically below them in the pack. Both of these factors can be controlled by a combination of good early socialisation and firm consistent handling by the owners. As they say in America - Ban the deed not the breed.

Apology Accepted

I would like to accept PP's unreserved FaceBook apology and welcome her decision to attend Doberman E&D training. Discrimination - together we can stop it!

In fairness PP isn't all bad, she is raising lots of money for charity by running the London marathon! Good luck PP you've got a great day for it, remember to keep up with your fluid intake - and I don't mean Gordons & tonic (anyone watching the marathon on TV PP is the one running in a giant prawn costume).

Dog Tired

I've never known a dog who likes their sleep quite as much as Fudge. It isn't unknown for us to get up in the morning and realise over breakfast that she is still fast asleep upstairs. One of the health problems that Dobermans can suffer from is narcolepsy, though in Fudge's case her somnolence is due to plain laziness.

Named and shamed!

This is a story of 3 generations of Doberman prejudice.

A person who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are P P (you know who you are!), told me a frightening tale of how her poor old grandfather was viciously savaged by a Doberman. However as I enquired more closely into this alleged incident, it transpired that said grandfather had spent several years deliberately teasing and antagonising this poor dog, while it was safely chained up. One day the Doberman finding itself unchained, decided to take punitive action against the 'sit upon' area of aforementioned grandfather - in my opinion, Karma at work.

The sad part of this story is that P P continues to disseminate her gin soaked anti Doberman propaganda, with no thought of the potential harmful consequences - but then I suppose this is as much as can be expected from a Labrador owner.

Boggle Hole Doberman

Pudding and Fudge enjoying the soon to be Olympic sport, of chasing skimmed stones.

How much is that doggy in the basket?

Introducing an 8 week old Fudge (hiding at the back).

When we picked her up, her Russian owner gave us two warnings in broken English, "She like shoe, she no get yet, but she try" and the very cryptic "Vorm tummy!". The former has cost me several pairs of slippers, while the latter led to a slightly more unpleasant experience. On the journey home Fudge cried and squirmed, and generally wouldn't stay still. I tried talking soothingly to her, I tried sternly telling her to be still, all to no avail. Finally I gave up and let her crawl around the car, but she still didn't calm down. Eventually however she seemed to get comfy on the dashboard, so I happily left her there. After half an hours peace she turned around and gave me a piteously apologetic look - before copiously evacuating her bowels all over me. There are few sights in this world to compare with a Doberman with projectile diarrhea. Within seconds I was covered from head to toe in pungent poo; it was like something from Dante. To make matters worse we were stuck for two hours in the London rush hour, and I had to just sit in this pool of liquid fertiliser. My wife found the whole situation extremely amusing, and spent the journey home alternating between gagging and hysterics. Fudge, her work done, curled up and went to sleep. With hindsight I realise that "Vorm tummy" describes the laxative effects of Worming medicine, however I would stress that it obviously loses something in the translation from Russian.

Summer's coming

Pudding and Fudge both love to sun bathe, as the summer progresses the lawn gets covered in little dog shaped patches.

Doberman joke

I have to admit to a slightly Rabelaisian sense of humor, and although I find this joke funny, I also think that it highlights the negative public perception of Dobermans.

Q What do you do if a Doberman starts to hump your leg?

A Light it a cigarette when it's finished, and for God's sake don't forget to fake an orgasm!

Give a dog a bad name

Dobermans, aren't they vicious? I wish I had a pound for every time I'm asked that question - actually scratch that, I wish I had a Euro for every time I'm asked that question (it would probably be worth more).

Due to their high intelligence and obedience, Dobermans are widely used in film and television, and are often portrayed negatively. Examples - zombie dogs in 'Resident Evil' films, 'Zoltan hound of Dracula', the boys 'Magnum PI', Mr Burns' dogs in 'The Simpsons' ("Smithers - release the hounds!"). Okay the last one is tenuous, but it highlights how stereotyped the image of Dobermans has become. I have learned to smile politely as people tell me what a vicious dog I own; often if I enquire whether the person has had a negative experience with a Doberman, it turns out that Fudge is the first that they have ever met. Dobermans in the UK are not common dogs. It can't be denied that Dobermans are good protection dogs, they are used in both Army and Police forces around the world. But they are good protection dogs because they are brave and intelligent, not because they are vicious - a vicious working dog is a liability. A recent American study showed that based on per capita figures, you are statistically more likely to be bitten by a Golden Retriever or a Cocker Spaniel than a Doberman. I can't comment on the Golden Retriever, but I've had 4 Cockers, and 3 out of those 4 have had little nips at people they didn't like the look of. Fudge has never tried to bite anyone!

The Magic Word

The magic word started with my father, he used to feed our lovely Cocker Spaniel, Honey, on mixer biscuits and 'Butcher's Tripe' dog food. Before dishing up he used to call Honey for her meal by shouting "Butcherooney". Honey learned to associate "Butcherooney" with being fed, and so did Pudding. Now all the dogs in the family respond to "Butcherooney" in the same way, including Fudge and Peach who never knew my Dad. It's a tradition that I like to keep up, partly from habit and partly to remember my Dad and Honey, who sadly are no longer with us.

Doberman + Cocker = True Love

This is Peach, Fudge's best friend, whenever they are together they are inseparable. Cute, but believe me, hard work.

Dobermans are good with other animals, but they need to be socialised and introduced properly. Fudge is brilliant with dogs that she knows, but can be aggressive toward strange dogs. This isn't an unusual trait in Dobermans and if you are planning on getting a Doberman it is worth considering whether this is something you want to deal with in a prospective pet.

If it's not a Doberman then it's just a dog!

"If it's not a Doberman then it's just a dog!" You can buy bumper stickers from America with this printed on them, and I have to say there's an element of truth in what they say. Throughout my life I've had 11 dogs - 1 Labrador, 4 Cocker Spaniels, 2 Jack Russell's, 1 Staffordshire Bull-Terrier, 1 cross breed, 1 Dachshund and 1 Doberman, all of them wonderful creatures. But of all these dogs the most individual of the lot has been the Doberman (closely followed by the cross breed). If you want a dog that can make you laugh even when you feel like wringing its neck, or a dog that wouldn't think twice about putting itself between you and danger, or a dog that will proudly parade around the garden with several pairs of your dirty underwear in its mouth, then the Doberman is the dog for you. And the dog for me.

Le Chat Noir

At last photographic proof of the legendary 'Beast of Shottisham'.

This is Sable the undisputed pound-for-pound champion of the Briggs household. She might be small but she more than holds her own against both Pudding and Fudge. She still looks like a kitten, but believe it or not she is nine years old.

Learning new tricks

Fudge was bought as a companion for our lab-collie cross Pudding. The hope was that Fudge would copy all Pudding's good habits and train herself, however Pudding is the one who has learned a thing or two. At the grand old age of eight she's decided that she's going to become a lap dog, whether we like it or not. She gets this stubborn glint in her eyes and just launches herself onto your knee, then she hangs on for dear life. I'm convinced that she finds sitting on our knees almost as uncomfortable as we find having her there, but she is convinced that because Fudge does it, then it must be rewarding in some kind of way.

We are often asked where the name Pudding comes from, and there are two answers to that. Firstly we saw a Mastiff called Pudding and liked the name, secondly Pudding is black with white patches, a bit like a black-pudding (blood sausage).

There is a beautiful little Jack Russell dog that we know in Ilkley, also called Pudding. However this dog got his unusual name because, and I quote his owner here "He's got a spotted dick" - think about it!

You had me at woof

Fudge came to us via a rather eccentric Russian doctor, whose Doberman had had a litter of 8 pups. It took a while for Fudge to warm to us as her new family, I've spoken to other Doberman owners who have also found that unlike most puppies, Dobermans need a little time to build up a bond with you. I think that Fudge missed her first family for quite a while; she always used to react to a particular television advert when it came on, we assumed that she did this because the voice over was done in a Russian accent. This might seem far fetched, but Fudge did come from a home where everyone spoke Russian. I've always felt that while I was struggling to learn fluent Doberman, Fudge was trying equally hard to learn English. John Steinbeck in his wonderful book 'Travels with Charley', gives a beautiful description of his standard Poodle Charley. The middle-aged Charley had been acquired while Steinbeck was on holiday in France, and although he learned to obey commands in English it always took him a little time to 'translate' what was being asked of him. This resulted in Steinbeck normally speaking to his dog in French, something which caused raised eyebrows as he traveled around his native America.

Introducing Fudge

This is Fudge, my Red Doberman bitch. As you can see from the photo, Dobermans really do earn the nickname 'velcro dog'. Fudge is never happier than when she is 'helping' you to do something.

This picture was taken after Fudge had seen our cat sitting on my wife's shoulder, and it was very much a case of 'if the cat's allowed to sit on shoulders then so am I'.

Never underestimate the stubbornness of a Doberman, if they get an idee fixe they will go to ridiculous lengths to get what they want.